Earlier this week, a friend told me he was changing his approach to New Year’s resolutions. Usually, he assembles a stack of annual goals with plans to execute them, of the “exercise 3 times per week” variety.
But he’d found that goals like these didn’t stick with him because they felt punishing—when he fell short, he felt bad. And they were rigid; these goals didn’t easily adapt to changing circumstances.
He had a friend encourage him to strip down those goals into a simple, more flexible resolution. The friend likened this kind of resolution to rosary beads. The resolution would be simple enough that you could, so to speak, hold it in your hands. And instead of feeling punished, you’d feel welcome to continuously revisit the resolution, like running beads through your hands while praying.
Just before this conversation, I had been thinking about a similar approach to New Year’s resolutions that I’d heard about through a different friend. In her friend group, each person picks their own motto for the year and gets a keychain with the phrase on it. “Lower the stakes,” was the phrase my friend chose for herself last year. Other mottos that people in this friend group have picked include “Big bets, small steps,” “Don’t force it,” and “Be astonished.” (
, whose book, Dedicated, I wrote about in a previous newsletter, leads the charge with this keychain ritual.) A motto keychain is literally a resolution you can run through your hands.Of course, I get that it’s valuable to have structured, measurable goals. A goal like “exercise 3 times per week” offers the clarity of step-by-step driving directions, helping you reach a destination or notice when you’ve gone off course. But sometimes—like if an unexpected situation arises or you have to make a hard decision—what you really need is a reminder of where true north is.
My 2024 motto will be “Stay curious.” There’s an obvious meaning: nurture intellectual curiosity. I’ve spent so much time trying to repackage material I’ve already written (aka promote my soon-to-be-published book), that I haven’t done much in the way of fresh inquiry. My curiosity muscle has atrophied.
The other area where I could use more curiosity, I’ve discovered, is my emotional life. It took until The Year of Our Lord 2023 for me to understand a fundamental way I respond to hard feelings in myself or in people I love: I (attempt to) leapfrog over them. Not in the worst possible ways. I try to problem solve, run past the difficult emotion in search of gratitude or a silver lining, or just distract myself. But I’ve come to see how it helps to respond to a crummy mood with curiosity rather than frustration. To ask myself what’s going on internally, what sensations I feel in my body. If someone else is having a hard time, to ask them what slurry of feelings is running through them rather than try to make them feel better.
I hope “Stay curious” is a motto I can run through my hands, to serve as a kind of compass in everyday interactions. I want to know: What’s your motto for 2024? Does it mark a change from what guided you in 2023?
Some book updates
If you’d love nothing more than to hear me talk at you for nearly 9 hours, you’re in luck. This fall, I recorded the narration for my audiobook. Hands down, reading the acknowledgements was my favorite part of the process.
People who’ve read early copies of my book have said nice things! Publishers Weekly (an important trade magazine in the publishing world) called it an “illuminating debut” and interviewed me.
wrote, “I feel like I’ve been waiting for this book for my entire adult life.” The Next Big Idea Club put it on their list of nonfiction books to read in 2024. Which is all to say, there’s some decent evidence that I’m not peddling a terrible book.Preordering the book is still hugely helpful! Tell your friend, your grandma, your neighbor, anyone at all to preorder The Other Significant Others, ideally from Barnes & Noble or an indie bookstore. Or you/they can request that a library order it.
Celebrate the book launch with me in person! I am very, very excited for these events, where I’ll be in conversation with fantastic moderators. Here are the events that have been announced (an event in Cambridge, Massachusetts is TBA). For the first three, the links include info for preordering through the bookstore that’s involved in the event:
2/13: Washington, DC with Marisa Franco and Rabbi Aaron Potek (tickets here to attend in-person or watch virtually)
2/20: Brooklyn with Priya Parker (RSVP here)
I can’t stop thinking about
There are a zillion best-of lists this time of year, so I’ll keep mine short:
To read:
If you want to alternately laugh and cry: the novel We All Want Impossible Things by
(The premise is uncannily similar to a real-life story I tell in my book.)For fabulous writing on the history of science: Vagina Obscura: An Anatomical Voyage by Rachel E. Gross
For a beautifully written, rigorously researched ode to all the generalists out there: Range: Why Generalists Triumph in a Specialized World by
To watch or listen:
I was lucky enough to see Sam Smith’s Tiny Desk concert, and I’m obsessed with his performance of “How Do You Sleep?”, which starts at about 4min 30 sec mark in the video.
The 13th Step, a podcast series about an open secret in the addiction treatment world, is gripping and will probably make you furious.
Some crowdsourced sourcing
I’m working on an article about parents who are raising their kids collectively with their friends, whether in the same house or in homes very close to each other. If you know anyone with this kind of arrangement or someone who grew up in this setup, give me a shout! I’d love to talk to them. You can respond to this newsletter or contact me at rhainacohen [at] gmail [dot] com.
Wishing you a wonderful start to 2024!