The book I’ve been working on for four years is now more than a giant bundle of audio recordings and Word documents. A few weeks ago, I handed in the final manuscript (i.e. it’s now one big Word document). The book also has a title, cover, release date, and is available for preorder. So it’s all feeling more real. Voilà:
There’s a message that’s in the air we breathe: if we want to be happy (and fit in), we should have one, lifelong romantic relationship at the center of our lives, friendship relegated to the periphery. Through the stories of people who have a friend as a life partner, The Other Significant Others: Reimagining Life with Friendship at the Center challenges this single way that many of us are told to organize our lives. Friends in this type of category-defying relationship might be co-homeowners, co-parents or each other’s caregivers—the sorts of roles most people reserve for romantic partners.
Each chapter of the book follows a set of friends whose relationship raises an important question. For instance, is sex a defining aspect of partnership? What obstacles do straight men in particular face in forming intimate platonic relationships? Do people need to be in (or have been in) a romantic relationship to raise children together? These friendships deserve our close attention because they expand our ideas of what committed relationships and a fulfilling life can look like.
This isn’t just a book for people who are single and looking for deep connection outside of romantic relationships. It’s also for people who are in romantic partnerships. One of the core arguments I make is that we undermine romantic relationships by expecting too much of them, while we diminish friendships by expecting too little of them.
Have I mentioned that the book comes out on February 13, 2024, aka the day before Valentine’s Day—which is also Galentine’s Day? It feels fitting to announce the book during Pride Month because it’s filled with stories of people from LGBTQ+ communities, past and present, who broaden mainstream definitions of family and intimacy.
I’m grateful that the book is arriving at a time when people seem hungry to elevate the role of friendship, rethink expectations for romantic relationships[1], and overhaul the conditions that are making us lonely. Between news stories and countless conversations I’ve had about the book, I’ve noticed that people already know that our dominant models of relationships, family and fulfillment aren’t working for everyone. The friends I profile in my book offer new models.
The Other Significant Others won’t singlehandedly make everyone’s relationships more satisfying and reform government policies, but it can spur people to have conversations with their loved ones that they might not have otherwise and imagine new possibilities for their lives.
But to have that happen, people need to know about the book! And a way to help spread the book’s ideas is to ::drum roll::
Preorder! Check out this handy button👇🏻
Why preorder, you ask, when you can just wander over to your local bookstore or buy it online when it’s out in the world in February? Because preordering can make an enormous difference to a book’s success, especially for first-time authors. Preorders are an early indicator of a book’s popularity, and high preorder counts can set off a chain reaction:
If a book has a lot of preorders, bookstores will probably order more copies and display the book more prominently. The publisher will probably print more copies and put more force behind marketing.
Preorders count toward the first week of sales, so they can help a book become a bestseller out of the gate. (I’d frankly thought the idea of gunning to be a bestseller was absurd if you’re not a household name, but then I saw my friend actually do it with her book Platonic. So seems at least worth trying for.)
More preorders can also build buzz, which then leads to more big press coverage, which then leads more people to learn about it.
So I would be incredibly appreciative if you preordered. As a side benefit, you’re giving your future self the gift of receiving the book as soon as it comes out!
Here are a few other ways you can help:
If you’re not in a position to buy the book, you can still help by asking your local library to preorder it. A lot of libraries have easy online forms you can use to request a book.
If you’ve already pre-ordered for yourself, and you still want to help, you can tell your friends about the book and encourage them to preorder, too. Even if I weren’t the author, I’d tell you that this book is great fodder for conversations with friends.
Or you could buy another copy as a gift. It’s an ideal book to give a friend to celebrate your friendship (perhaps for Galentine’s Day). Or you could give it to a friend or partner who’d appreciate getting an unconventional spin on love and commitment for Valentine’s Day.
If you want to learn more about the book, there’s a summary on this page from my publisher along with a few early reviews. You can also get a flavor for the book’s subject from my Atlantic piece from 2020, “What If Friendship, Not Marriage, was the Center of Life?” (Take Anne Helen Petersen’s advice: she wrote in her newsletter, “If you haven’t read Cohen’s piece… it’s a must.” 🤯)
Here’s that preorder link again:
Thanks for all your support and interest. I’m so excited to have the book out in the world.
And thank you for your patience as I’ve gone dark with this newsletter to focus on my book! I’m planning to get back to sending out these newsletters that bring you intriguing social science research.
[1] Have you seen the latest season of Couples Therapy?? If so, I’m here to talk about it.
Woohoo! Super excited to read this!!
congratulations! loved your interview on Ezra Klein: a breath of fresh air. I felt seen.